10.13.2007

sad

Ever feel really really sad when you know you should be happy?
Well, that is how I feel today. Brian left yesterday for N. Carolina. He was hired by Maverick, and while I am so excited about him driving and going around the country... my heart is sinking because I already miss him so much.

i feel like someone has ripped a hole inside me. A big hole. You know what sucks the worst... he is doing this for me. For us, so we can have a future... and I can't get a hold of myself enough to shake the sense into me and remind myself of that.
this job means that we have a future. It means that my husband will be able to marry me and become my husband. It means that he loves me enough to leave all his comforts and do something that he can enjoy and be paid well for.... and instead of being grateful that things are moving, and that we can move forward, I am crying my eyes out because my gut hurts were I feel empty.
I feel like an ungrateful wretch.
i feel like i want to die.

And he misses me at least as much as I miss him... I know he does because he called 6 or 7 times today... And it was hard to talk to him because all I wanted was to be held or kissed or cuddled... holding hands... but I didn't want to make things any harder for him... ... I am such a selfish wretch.

I knew this would have to happen. It isn't as if someone strung this on me suddenly. I just never realized how difficult it would be for me to have him be gone... again. At least this time I know he will be back withing 6-8weeks. That is a super plus.

God, please make this work for me. I can't do it by myself, and I can't depend on leaning on him... He needs you as much as I do... be with him too, please.

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